Lost

October 23^rd of 2010. It’s already 4:32 in the morning and I’m still awake. My heart is heavy.

Would you like me to share the heaviness that I’m feeling? Ok. Here it goes.

It’s all about me and my love. My boyfriend. My life. I don’t want to talk about how we started. I don’t want to burden myself more with the good memories we had before. They’re all but memories now.

I’ve been love sick for so long. Maybe it’s more than two months already. LOVE SICK. Yes! That’s the perfect term to use.

We’re different now. Me and him. We’ve changed a lot. Well, 3 years wasn’t a short time. It wasn’t long enough, too. But we’ve grown and we have grown apart. We are not like before. We’re not sweet anymore. We’re not as thoughtful anymore. We’re not as deeply in love as before anymore. It’s hard to admit. But that’s us now. What seemed to be a perfect relationship had turned into cold companionship.

None of us cheated. It’s funny. That’s what I want to believe in. We just grew tired of being fond of each other. It’s like we’re just waiting for the day when we would wake up and realize that we’ve fallen out of love. We are not bothered by anyone’s absence. Maybe because we’re sure that we would still come back. TRUST. We are assured because we trust each other. That’s what he said. He believes that we trust each other so much now that even if we don’t always call anymore we would still feel the love we have for each other. I wanted to believe the same. But I can’t.

He’s drifting. He stopped cuddling me. He stopped caring about me. He stopped asking things. He stopped giving limits. He stopped being thoughtful. He stopped being sweet. He just stopped being the person who I used to love so much. It hurts. And, it’s killing me. I still long for the perfect person I had been with before. I still long for him who had made me feel very much loved.

I always want to be with him, hold his hands, look in his eyes, and talk to him. We still go out together. It’s fun. I’m happy. But deep inside, something hurts. He holds my hand. He hugs me. He kisses me. He smiles at me. But there’s something in him that makes him seem to be in a faraway place even if he’s just beside me. He’s like a stranger with a familiar face to me now. It’s like there’s a wall between us.

I tried not to be bothered by all these changes. I haven’t cried all my sorrows out even if it hurts like hell. I cried lots of times and I cried in silence. No one knew. I can’t tell anyone about how I really feel because that would make him a bad boyfriend in others’ eyes. And it wouldn’t be fair to him because he will not be able to explain and defend himself.

We’re giving our best to get back in the track. We’re trying to revive the love we have. We must move forward. We must hold on and keep trying.