Friends Vs. Girlfriend

Today, I went out. Alone. I was alone. Yes! I was alone at first. And I feel terrible.

I had given hints to my boyfriend two days ago that I would be going out today so that it might give him an idea that I wanted him to come with me. He never bothered to ask where I'll be going nor ask if he can come. At first, I tried to understand. Maybe, he doesn't have money. Maybe he's tired of going out with me. These maybes put my questions to rest.

But today, I was so surprised with what had happened. I was on my way to the mall when he suddenly texted me that he was going out with his friends. YES! WITH HIS FRIENDS. He asked me to come with them if I don't have anything to do. I was startled. He never asked me if he could come with me yet he had some time for his friends. OK!!! The funny thing is, we (his friends and I) are going to the same mall. Do you think that's all? At first, I didn't want to come because I don't want to bother them. But then, I thought that spending some time alone would not be good since I had to stay at the mall for a long time. But then, he suddenly grew angry when I said I would come with them. That... I didn't understand.

There were several scenarios of the same story. They were always between me and his friends. I feel bad about it. I want to meet his friends like I want him to meet every single friend that I have. I want to be close to them. I want to mingle with them and hang out with them. But he never gave me a good chance to do so.

Whenever he goes out with his friends, it would always be him and them only. Never us. It's hard to accept that he always prioritizes his friends while leaving me behind. He easily turn my invites down but he's shaking for excitement whenever his friends ask him out. I find it very unfair. I feel so helpless against his friends.

Sometimes, he doesn't even tell me that they are going out. I'll just find it myself by seeing some pictures or hearing it from our common friends. I feel really really really bad about it because I never wanted to be the last person to know what my boyfriend is doing.

I'm still hoping that this friends versus girlfriend rivalry will soon be gone. Today was the first day I went out with his friends. I had fun but i was bothered with my feelings of discomfort since I know I have so many questions in mind. I was worried that my boyfriend might not be comfortable because I was with them.

There are some things I did today that I'm very proud of, despite my queries, doubts, anger and disappointment, I managed to pull it through out the day with them. I cried in the bathroom for 30mins. Then, I fixed myself and went back to them like nothing happened. I put a big smile on my face and I cracked some jokes. I even shared some stories. I kept all the bad things inside of me. And I'm happy I did it. I hope someone can notice and appreciate what I did for my love for him. It's hard to keep everything away. Especially if that "everything" means a lot to you.

Coming Home

          I was in my room. I'm alone. And, i had just finished arguing with my love. Yes! We argued. Again.. and we had argued a lot before, too. I came to realize some things about us. I'm getting stronger. And he's starting to become vulnerable again. These are good signs for our relationship. We're heading home. And even if we had just fought, I'm happy.
          I can still recall every single tear I had shed for him. The pain is slowly going away. I'm not crying too much anymore. I can control my emotions and I can manage my anger better. I love what I'm feeling. I love the sweet words I utter whenever I have the chance to talk to him. I always whisper "I love you." I learned to accept his changes and it made me feel better. It made me feel satisfied. I have him and he's mine. He assured me of that.
          For him, he's starting to become more concerned. He also answers my i-love-yous. He holds my hands firmly. He invites me out again. This was very surprising because for the past four months, he never asked me to go with him whenever he was going somewhere. I can look in his eyes again without seeing anger. I can see that he loves me. He'll never do anything that would hurt me. He's going back. And I'll be welcoming him with my loving arms. I want him back.
          I have some admirers and he's getting jealous whenever I mention their names. I know it's not right but I feel good about that because it means he cares. There are lots of things to patch up. But these improvements that we are having is not a bad start. I'm happy for us. I know he is, too.
          We're still not at our best right now. We're not even in the healthy stage of our relationship. But I'm very proud to say that we're doing great in improving ourselves. We're changing and we're changing for the good. And, the most important thing is we're changing together. One thing is truly clear right now, we love each other so much that we can forgive each other whether our mistakes are small or big. We can do this.. we will be home soon.

Lost

October 23^rd of 2010. It’s already 4:32 in the morning and I’m still awake. My heart is heavy.

Would you like me to share the heaviness that I’m feeling? Ok. Here it goes.

It’s all about me and my love. My boyfriend. My life. I don’t want to talk about how we started. I don’t want to burden myself more with the good memories we had before. They’re all but memories now.

I’ve been love sick for so long. Maybe it’s more than two months already. LOVE SICK. Yes! That’s the perfect term to use.

We’re different now. Me and him. We’ve changed a lot. Well, 3 years wasn’t a short time. It wasn’t long enough, too. But we’ve grown and we have grown apart. We are not like before. We’re not sweet anymore. We’re not as thoughtful anymore. We’re not as deeply in love as before anymore. It’s hard to admit. But that’s us now. What seemed to be a perfect relationship had turned into cold companionship.

None of us cheated. It’s funny. That’s what I want to believe in. We just grew tired of being fond of each other. It’s like we’re just waiting for the day when we would wake up and realize that we’ve fallen out of love. We are not bothered by anyone’s absence. Maybe because we’re sure that we would still come back. TRUST. We are assured because we trust each other. That’s what he said. He believes that we trust each other so much now that even if we don’t always call anymore we would still feel the love we have for each other. I wanted to believe the same. But I can’t.

He’s drifting. He stopped cuddling me. He stopped caring about me. He stopped asking things. He stopped giving limits. He stopped being thoughtful. He stopped being sweet. He just stopped being the person who I used to love so much. It hurts. And, it’s killing me. I still long for the perfect person I had been with before. I still long for him who had made me feel very much loved.

I always want to be with him, hold his hands, look in his eyes, and talk to him. We still go out together. It’s fun. I’m happy. But deep inside, something hurts. He holds my hand. He hugs me. He kisses me. He smiles at me. But there’s something in him that makes him seem to be in a faraway place even if he’s just beside me. He’s like a stranger with a familiar face to me now. It’s like there’s a wall between us.

I tried not to be bothered by all these changes. I haven’t cried all my sorrows out even if it hurts like hell. I cried lots of times and I cried in silence. No one knew. I can’t tell anyone about how I really feel because that would make him a bad boyfriend in others’ eyes. And it wouldn’t be fair to him because he will not be able to explain and defend himself.

We’re giving our best to get back in the track. We’re trying to revive the love we have. We must move forward. We must hold on and keep trying.