Friends Vs. Girlfriend

Today, I went out. Alone. I was alone. Yes! I was alone at first. And I feel terrible.

I had given hints to my boyfriend two days ago that I would be going out today so that it might give him an idea that I wanted him to come with me. He never bothered to ask where I'll be going nor ask if he can come. At first, I tried to understand. Maybe, he doesn't have money. Maybe he's tired of going out with me. These maybes put my questions to rest.

But today, I was so surprised with what had happened. I was on my way to the mall when he suddenly texted me that he was going out with his friends. YES! WITH HIS FRIENDS. He asked me to come with them if I don't have anything to do. I was startled. He never asked me if he could come with me yet he had some time for his friends. OK!!! The funny thing is, we (his friends and I) are going to the same mall. Do you think that's all? At first, I didn't want to come because I don't want to bother them. But then, I thought that spending some time alone would not be good since I had to stay at the mall for a long time. But then, he suddenly grew angry when I said I would come with them. That... I didn't understand.

There were several scenarios of the same story. They were always between me and his friends. I feel bad about it. I want to meet his friends like I want him to meet every single friend that I have. I want to be close to them. I want to mingle with them and hang out with them. But he never gave me a good chance to do so.

Whenever he goes out with his friends, it would always be him and them only. Never us. It's hard to accept that he always prioritizes his friends while leaving me behind. He easily turn my invites down but he's shaking for excitement whenever his friends ask him out. I find it very unfair. I feel so helpless against his friends.

Sometimes, he doesn't even tell me that they are going out. I'll just find it myself by seeing some pictures or hearing it from our common friends. I feel really really really bad about it because I never wanted to be the last person to know what my boyfriend is doing.

I'm still hoping that this friends versus girlfriend rivalry will soon be gone. Today was the first day I went out with his friends. I had fun but i was bothered with my feelings of discomfort since I know I have so many questions in mind. I was worried that my boyfriend might not be comfortable because I was with them.

There are some things I did today that I'm very proud of, despite my queries, doubts, anger and disappointment, I managed to pull it through out the day with them. I cried in the bathroom for 30mins. Then, I fixed myself and went back to them like nothing happened. I put a big smile on my face and I cracked some jokes. I even shared some stories. I kept all the bad things inside of me. And I'm happy I did it. I hope someone can notice and appreciate what I did for my love for him. It's hard to keep everything away. Especially if that "everything" means a lot to you.

Coming Home

          I was in my room. I'm alone. And, i had just finished arguing with my love. Yes! We argued. Again.. and we had argued a lot before, too. I came to realize some things about us. I'm getting stronger. And he's starting to become vulnerable again. These are good signs for our relationship. We're heading home. And even if we had just fought, I'm happy.
          I can still recall every single tear I had shed for him. The pain is slowly going away. I'm not crying too much anymore. I can control my emotions and I can manage my anger better. I love what I'm feeling. I love the sweet words I utter whenever I have the chance to talk to him. I always whisper "I love you." I learned to accept his changes and it made me feel better. It made me feel satisfied. I have him and he's mine. He assured me of that.
          For him, he's starting to become more concerned. He also answers my i-love-yous. He holds my hands firmly. He invites me out again. This was very surprising because for the past four months, he never asked me to go with him whenever he was going somewhere. I can look in his eyes again without seeing anger. I can see that he loves me. He'll never do anything that would hurt me. He's going back. And I'll be welcoming him with my loving arms. I want him back.
          I have some admirers and he's getting jealous whenever I mention their names. I know it's not right but I feel good about that because it means he cares. There are lots of things to patch up. But these improvements that we are having is not a bad start. I'm happy for us. I know he is, too.
          We're still not at our best right now. We're not even in the healthy stage of our relationship. But I'm very proud to say that we're doing great in improving ourselves. We're changing and we're changing for the good. And, the most important thing is we're changing together. One thing is truly clear right now, we love each other so much that we can forgive each other whether our mistakes are small or big. We can do this.. we will be home soon.